The Best Kind of Love and My Condolances.

What's the best kind of love in your opinion?
Mine is when you receive love from someone that doesn't have to.
With a broken family tree, Grandma Miller had no obligations to loving me.
23 years ago I could have lost her in my life, but I didn't. It wasn't until the wee minutes of July 2nd, 2015 that I truly lost her.

Though she did have that unconditional love that only a grandma can have.
The one that'll give you candy and then send you home so they won't be mad that you are hyper.
The one that you can kick them all evening sharing a bed and then send you home so the next night they got a good nights sleep, but they still miss the kicking.
The kind that even though you're late to everything, they won't say anything, she just starts lying about when somethings starts, so you don't know any different.

Even more, the kind that when you bring her a little silver spoon from Peru, because that's what she collects, she smiles and says "Thank you".
Then you bring another, from Grand Caymen, she loves it.
Another from Honduras, and another from Belize.
Then another after another until there are at least 15.
Smiling each time and loving each one.

It wasn't until about 3-4 months ago as I was looking around grandma's house I realized that every spoon I'd given her was in a little tea cup.
That was great, a trip down memory lane of where I had been.
I expected to see other tea cups with different 'sets' of spoons.
Ones from others or that served as reminders of certain memories, places, trips or people.
Then I looked around some more, those were the only spoons she had.
It was then I realized, Grandma never collected spoons... But since she was a grandma, she was never going to tell me any different.
She loved the spoons just as much thimbles she actually collected.
One evening while sitting with her I asked her about them.
She just chuckled and told me she loved them.
Proof she was a loving grandmother, even though no proof was needed. Everyone knew she was the living definition of grandmother.

Watching Grandma over the last few months was quite hard on me.
What I wrote above was going to be part of what I had planned on saying at her funeral, but just couldn't get myself to do it.
She had breast cancer and I watched it take it's nasty toll until the very last breath.
This brought a lot of things into perspective for myself and gave me a glimpse of what my future could entail.
This was hard but I wouldn't have traded my time with her and holding her hand through all of it for the world.
I don't believe everything happens for a reason, however, I'm a little happy I was able to go through some of the same things as she did. This allowed me to try to comfort her as well as listen and understand things that others just didn't quite comprehend.
It's easy to listen to what someone is feeling, it's a little different to have felt it yourself before.

Grandma taught me more about life in just a few months than I probably have learned the last year myself.
Wow, did she have a sense of humor in 2015!
So many great laughs and stories shared.
As my uncle said "Never tell a dying woman a secret.". *Boy* was this true!

Another special woman in my life was Lola. From a young age she had a dear place in my heart. After my diagnosis she was there often to make sure I didn't loose weight in the form of the BEST gluten free chocolate cake I've ever had. Her daughter carried on that even at the services and had a cake there for me too. This was a gesture I'm not soon to forget. She made sure to do some research and pass on any info that could be useful to me. She bought me a handful of things to help me get through and just to make me smile. She even bought me the same book twice. I will miss the daily emails and the laughs when I'd go to her house and we'd talk. I'm a little sad she didn't get to read the parts of the book I have started. She asked about it many times and was looking forward to giving me some feedback. She was my biggest 'cheerleader' in getting it published. I won't let you down.

Lastly, a simple reminder that life can end in seconds, literally. Janice Weston was my Grandma Carol's best friend. She was in a freak car accident just a few weeks ago.
She moved away 14ish years ago after Carol passed. I didn't get to see her as much as I did growing up, but I heard from her about once a week to just make sure I was ok.
She took me on as one of her own grandchildren and was a very loving soul.
To her I say; Thank you for the reminder that age has no place in making dreams happen.
Tell Grandma Carol hi for me please.

On a personal note, I have had my last treatment. I will have my port out on November 4th.
I meet with the oncologist at the end of the month to hopefully get my 'pass' to move past all of this.

I'll keep everyone updated.

RIP Katherine Miller.
RIP Lola Quinan
RIP Jan Weston

Time is something you can never get back. Surround yourself with the right people.

First I want to start off by saying this isn't some dying declaration.

This isn't the typical "I learned I'm dying or someone I know died, this reminded me to spend more time with my family" post either.
(I'm sorry in advance I'm sure that is going to offend someone, but that isn't my intentions. Just trying to explain that this isn't that type of post. Please keep reading.)

This is about something I started to write on paper before I found out about the cancer.
I've put a lot of thought into it and I've changed how I speak about this many times now.
First it was something along the lines of "I can't stand technology".
After much thought and discussion with a few people it's more that I can't stand *personal* technology.
A study came out in May, 2015. Human attention span now less than that of a goldfish. It's down to 8 seconds. With that in mind I do hope you make it to the end of this post. I timed myself reading it to the end, it took me 3.5 minutes. I have faith you can make it to the end too!

I was going to be a hypocrite and post it only on FaceBook to get the word out but I decided with around 17,500 unique visits to the blog that maybe I could reach more people here. Putting it on a blog still makes it a little hypocritical still, but welcome to the world in which we live. (Yes, there is still a link on FB. About half my traffic comes from there.)

I don't even know where to start... Facebook, cell phones, email, passwords, laptops, tablets, or should I go as far back as Myspace, what about pagers?!

Personal technology problems, in my opinion, started with the smart phones.
Email has been around for a while, myspace, FB, etc...
But when the smart phone came around it was easier to access these things, you could do it on the go.
This is when the problem really started.

Instead of listening to a whole conversation if someone gets bored with it they grab their phone.
Now there is many more things to grab their attention instead of the one on one interaction right in front of them. Some are getting very good at pretending to listen but then you can tell they have something else on their mind, like why their phone just made a noise. What are they missing? Is someone more interesting trying to get a hold of them? I'm not the first to say, people listen to wait for their turn to respond, they don't just listen to hear the story anymore.

Someone close to me has recently got a terminal diagnosis. We have been spending quite a bit of time together lately. Telling stories and just talking. A reminder of the "pre-personal-techonology" era. While I don't want to get into this too much at the moment it was the push to finish writing this and post it. I started it in July 2014 but couldn't find the right words. Out of respect for this person I won't be saying much more at this time. After I'm given permission there is quite a story to share from them as well.

Something I've posted on my FB page a few times that holds dear to my heart, surrounding yourself with the right people. It's said that you become most like the 5 people with whom you spend the most time. Think about this. Who have you made friends with at work? Outside of work, what 5 people do you see the most? Do they support you? Do they push you to grow? Are they sincerely interested in your life? If not, it may be time to change your circle. Are you proud of them? Are they successful? Do they have drive? If not, it may be time to change your circle. Make sure that other souls that get your time respect and appreciate it. Time is the one thing you can give someone that you will never get back. It's the most precious thing you own. If they don't make time for you why should you always drop things to make time for them?

Okay, okay, enough sap and crap.
Health update:
Last night I slept on my stomach!!! This is the first time in 14 months I've slept without my pillow fort. The first time I've slept on my stomach since my biopsy. The first time I got what I considered a pretty decent night sleep without relying on something to help me sleep. Sleep is soo important and makes a huge different. I haven't cried a ton at the doctors but I know I've cried more about sleep to the oncologist than everything else combined.

Last Thursday I finished another prescription!! Only one left.
I have 2 more herceptin treatments and that's basically the end of the plan.
Staying on tamoxifen at the moment, but not sure how much longer I will do that.
They want me to be on it for 10 years, that just seems like way too many pills to me!
I will address that one when I see fit.
After the last treatment on July 20th my last crutch will be gone. That's a bitter-sweet thought.
Shortly there after I will get my port out.
I have convinced the plastic surgeon to do it as opposed to the regular surgeon. I've seen him more times, plus he agrees, plastic surgeons make better scars!
Who's gonna hold my hand for the port removal? I've been told it's a bitch!

Update and my promise to you - Post once a month

Hi all,

It's been 60 days since my last post. Each time I sit down to write something else comes up. Playing with the dogs, spending time with Eric, spending time with family, etc.
I will now promise to write at least once a month.
As things are slowing WAY down I'm not sure more than that is necessary.


So to catch things up;
I got my first haircut a few weeks ago!
I had destroyed my hair over the past 10 years or so.
The back is coming in really thick and the top is coming in as well just not quite as good.
I have lovely 'wings' on the side that stick out of my hat which I have no idea what to do with them.
The color and texture seems to be the same as before. It was possible that it would be different, but sadly, it's not.

I am still getting herceptin treatments every third week until July.
For the most part these aren't bad.
I don't enjoy being stabbed in the chest (where my port is) each time or the time it takes out of my day to do it, but it's not terrible.
There are a few side effects but nothing that gets too much in the way of life.

I have surgery next week, Wednesday April 29th.
They will take the expanders out and put in the silicone implants.
I'm REALLY hoping that I'll be able to sleep on my stomach again after this surgery.
My 'pillow fort' is kinda of working to help me sleep, but it's annoying. I'm sure Eric is quite annoyed with it too. I've had it 'up' for almost a year now. This is proof he's more patient than me! I'm sure it's annoying to sleep next to.
This is an outpatient surgery that should take about 2 hours.
I will take 10 or so days off from work.
I'll be on lifting restrictions again too. :(
They will do some lipo to 'fill in' the areas around the implants to make things look as natural as possible.
Apparently our fat has a fair amount of healing properties as well. I've been having a decent bit of pain on my right side, upper rib cage area. The plastic surgeon said he'll put a little more fat there and it'll help heal things. He said it'll do it's magic then kinda dissipate.
I was hoping to get my port out during this surgery but the chemo nurses said no, my veins aren't good enough.

Speaking of the pain. I have started physical therapy.
I haven't been enjoying this but it has been helping.
I lost more range of motion that I had realized.
I recently started taking boxing/kickboxing classes. It was during these I realized that I didn't quite have the range of motion I used to.
PT is good and also some form of torture at the same time!
"Is this where it hurts?"
"Yes"
*therapist pushes harder!*

I got talked into a "survivor-ship" program at the cancer center. This was a waste of time and energy!
First of all, it's in the middle of the day so I had to take a whole day off work.
I went and they started by taking my vitals and then asking me about my meds. The catch though, the lady who was doing this didn't have the authority to add or remove meds from the list, so that was a waste.
Then I met a physical therapist. He did help me realize I was missing some range of motion things, so that part wasn't terrible.
Next I met with a PA, she went over the short and long term side effects of all the meds I've been on. All of these things my oncologist went over.
Recently I saw the claim on my insurance. I have yet to find out if I'll owe $ for part of this visit.
Next I got a short chair massage. This was nice, but I'm getting massages through Hope Lives so it was unnecessary.
Lastly, I talked with a social worker. I have been seeing her every or every other week, so I didn't need this program to see her. It's nice to be able to have someone to talk to that isn't overwhelmed with the talking about things. I know I have plenty of people around me that'll listen but sometimes they need a break too.

It's also time for another decision.
A new study came out in December from Europe.
They have concluded that there is a 5% less chance of the cancer coming back if they put me back into menopause for 5 years.
5% 5% 5%, I'm getting really sick of hearing this. Everything is 5%.
I don't think I'm going to go down this route though.
Had I been diagnosed a year prior it wouldn't even be an option since the study was still in progress.
I was also in temporary menopause during chemo, it's miserable.
5 years sounds like it's not that long, but sit down and really thing about it. It's longer than it seems.
I bought my house 6 years ago. A LOT has happened and changed in that time. 5 years isn't something to sneeze at.
I discussed with my primary physician quality of life vs quantity.
He supports my decision in not doing the menopause route.
I will followup with my oncologist in May. I have to make the final decision by mid-June.

Thank you all for your continued support.
If anyone is bored I wouldn't mind the company the days following surgery!

Thank you, again.

I haven't wrote lately because there haven't been many updates.
Today I'm not going to post an update either, I'll get one eventually.

Today I'm posting about gratitude.

When I first started the blog and put up the donation button I was terrified of what was in store financially for me. This was almost more scary than the diagnosis itself. Eric watched me cry and spend endless hours looking at my bank account, insurance plans, etc. Money shouldn't be what you have to think about when you're fighting for you life. Sadly though, it's at the front of the minds of just about everyone with a cancer diagnosis. Then donations came in, this relieved some stress. Next Kelsey suggested a fund raiser. I was still terrified and gladly accepted. The fund raiser was a huge success. Between previous donations and the fund raiser I was able to pay for all the medical bills in 2014 and put the rest aside in an account I rarely checked. I, in a slight way, forgot about the money as I had finally hit my deducible in 2014 and, for the most part, didn't have bills coming in for the last few months of 2014. One here or there for $10-$15, but nothing big. This week the bills started again for this year. As I was paying them this morning I just wanted to say thank you to everyone again. There isn't any stress in paying the bills as I believe I have enough left from donations to pay for all of the bills I will receive this year.

I don't know how to put into words the sigh of relief I have from this still.
I read a study before I started chemo that they have tested tumor reactions to chemo when stress levels are high. They found that it makes the chemo less effective.
I also keep surprising the doctors that I'm recovering at the speed that I am.
I contribute almost all of this to not having the financial stress that some have to endure at the same time when going through this.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

They Say No News Is Good News, Right?

I feel like every time I write a post I say sorry that I haven't wrote in a while.
I'm not going to say sorry this time.
My last chemo treatment was on October 13th I was finally starting to get my energy back before radiation started.
With some energy I hadn't been sitting at my computer as much so I haven't found the time to post.
I consider this a win!
Cumulative fatigue from radiation is setting in now but it's no where near as bad and shouldn't be bad for very long, maybe a month.

I started radiation on November 10th and finished December 16th. This was a full time job!
Pills 3 times a day with food. That was what made that part hard, with food.
Lotion 6 times a day. Since I couldn't just sit in the office at work/in public to put it on that was quite time consuming as well.
Then going to the cancer center everyday was time consuming too.
My appointments were at 4:15, sometimes I was in an out by 4:30, sometimes I was there until 5:30.
Two weeks before radiation they took saline out of the left expander. This left one side with 200cc and the other side was expanded to 440cc. They did this for 2 reasons. First the extra expansion was because the skin gets more tight and expanding a little more helps the plastic surgeon make things look 'correct' in the end. The lowered side is so the radiation would make it to the right places and not having something in the way.
The week before radiation I went in to an MRI machine for about an hour for mapping.
They put 4 'tattoos' on me. They are purple and the size of a ball point pen.
These hurt WAY more than a regular tattoo.
There is one on each size and 2 in the middle.
They used these to line me up each time to the EXACT same position.

I had 25 radiation treatments in 6 weeks.
The routine was as follows:
Check in at the front desk, change into a gown, sit and wait.
Go back to the room. Lay on the table. Ask for a warm blanket :) Arms up while the machine moves back into place. 2 people were in the room and would use the tattoos to line me up. The machine would start on my upper left, make a few strange noises and move to the right and kind of 'under' me. Someone would come in, add a piece to the machine, push a button and leave. More strange noises and done. The whole process once in the room took 5-7 minutes. Change and go home.

Throughout radiation my skin had lots of changes. I will post pictures of that in a few weeks. (Don't worry, the worst of it was on my side and that's the only pictures I will share) :)

I have Herceptin every third week until July and one more surgery in the spring to put in the silicone implants.
I'm told I'll feel much better after that surgery, I can't wait!

No more Cruisin for Cleavage shirts, we couldn't get a hold of the guy to print more. I'm sorry.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas and a safe New Year's Eve.

Overall Mortality Rate...

... is still hovering around 100% for humans as a whole.

Got your attention :)
I'm trying to get better about posting and it's been a week since the last.

Yesterday was the last of my long treatments, this is a blessing mostly.
A little scary as in 2 weeks chemo is done completely.
This has been my crutch, there is only about a 1% chance of cancer growing while on chemo...
So in roughly 13 days the crutch is gone completely.
However in about 60-75 days the side effects will subside almost completely as well.
I'm VERY ready for this to happen!

They were running behind yesterday so I was there until 5:30.
Mom and I had a dance party towards the end, it was great! :) 

My cold is almost gone, whew that kicked my butt!
Chemo sucks but that stuffy nose got the best of me for a few days, to say the least.

I went to a support group last night to talk about Tamoxifen (the pill they want me on 10 years).
There was an Oncologist there to answer our questions.
Lucky for me there was only me and one other lady there.
She didn't have many questions.
This left 75 minutes of just me asking question after question.
This was very helpful and I feel a little better about my options.

Back to where I started this post.
No one gets out alive anyway so make sure you have plenty of fun and laughter along the way.

My advise:
Make sure to remove toxic relationships from your life to help alleviate the stress those cause.
That can be hard but they will bring you down faster than almost anything else in my opinion.

Find something everyday to be positive about.
Don't take things too seriously. One example that comes to mind from a few years ago... I was driving to the airport. I was on the phone with my mom. Something flew up and hit my windshield. It cracked right away. "SHIT" I said and then continued my conversation in a calm manner. Mom wondered why I wasn't more upset. There was no need to be, it happened, I couldn't change that and being angry about it wasn't going to change anything, it happened. It wasn't life altering either. So it rolled off my shoulders and I had actually completely forgot about it until I got back in the truck when I got home from the trip and saw it.

Do something small for someone else daily.
The little things add up and will always be more important and better memories than the big things in the end.
Did I mention I REALLY miss coffee :) (Not for the coffee either.)

I truly believe that I've been doing so well, at least emotionally, so far because of the great senses of humor around me.
I'm very grateful that I have Eric here everyday to make me laugh and smile.
This is one of the best medicines!

 Tomorrow is the first day of October, where did the summer go?!

Poll:
My birthday is on the 28th... Do I celebrate my 28th on the 28th or just stick to my original plan of doing 27 over again?

The Day of A Lifetime

Wow.
Where do I even start?

I've always disliked when people say "It was the best day of my life".
If this is the case what else is there to live for?
So, please try to start saying 'so far' after these types of comments.
With that in mind, Saturday September 13th, 2014 - Cruisin' for Cleavage - 1st Annual Poker Run was one of the best days of my life, so far.

People have birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, babies being born, engagements etc. They are all memorable, but I'm not sure anything will compare to the memories of yesterday.

The amount of people and support was amazing.
The mix of different types/groups of people all coming together made everything that much better.

We had 145 registrations come through. I didn't count but I feel like there were many more people than that.

I didn't go to registration but I was at the first stop.
3 people beat me but then I stayed and watched everyone else come through and play the game.
It took almost 3 hours to get everyone through. It was great!
I left with one of the last groups of people and road to the next stop.
Wasn't there long and I left with a different group of people to the next stop.
On the way my heart sank, a bike had gone down.
I heard mixed things about what happened but I did find out the rider was ok over all.
He ended up with some broken bones but no head or organ damage.
I was grateful to hear this news.
Sad that someone came out for me and ended up in pain themselves though.

I met people that have read the blog and followed along this whole time. That's was a little weird at first but good at the same time.
I'm glad people are following.
That is nice to hear!

I had one lady say she is following and knows someone who was recently diagnosed and the blog has helped them so far with what to expect next and to realize that it isn't the end of the world. There can still be laughs and positive attitudes!  I'm glad I've helped someone, even if it's just one person, it's worth it. (PS, when you're reading this if you have ANY questions feel free to email me.)

I heard some sad stories about lost family and friends to this shitty disease.

Those were a little hard on me, but I understand that's what some people needed to get off their chest that day. (still no pun intended) :)

Lots of tears, stories and laughter were shared on Saturday!

I've been told that Kelsey is pretty bad ass, but I did see tears of amazement and joy on Saturday. It took everything I had not to shed a few myself.

Now the hard part... How do you repay someone who devoted a tremendous amount of time and energy to put something like this together? The only real way to pay them back in the same fashion would be if something terrible happened to them as well. 

Of course I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. 

With that in mind I will be ever indebted to my sister Kelsey.

Kelsey, be proud, you did a wonderful job!  

Not to discredit what anyone else did but none of this would have happened without her.

A lot of this wouldn't have happened without the additional volunteers and bars to help as well.

The monitary turn out wouldn't have happened without the generous donations of various companies and individuals throughout Northern Colorado either.

A big, warm, THANK YOU to everyone that helped put this together.

The final numbers at the end of the day was just over $9,000 with $700 in prize payouts.

(I have random 'entry fees' still coming in from people that couldn't make it, when I get a grand total I will update this post)

This was hard to believe and didn't sink in until the next day and I just wept on my couch.

With this and the previous financial donations the weight of medical bills for 2014 and I'm 90% sure the medical bills for 2015 will be taken care of in total.

Without this stress over my head I am able to focus that much more energy on my success at kickin' ass.

I cannot say thank you enough for everyone involved that donated their time, energy and opened their wallets to help as well.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

We will be putting in an order for more t-shirts this weekend.

If you want one and missed out please let me know asap.

We will be collecting money before ordering.

There are grey or pink shirts and pink tank tops.

$12

Everyday should be filled with joy, laughter, happiness, love, human touch, and honesty.
--- Post coming about this soon.

Sorry it took longer to write this post than it should have.
I came down with a terrible cold last week and didn't have the energy to write.
I'm getting better now!
I apologize.

When this was first planned I said I wanted to pay it forward and help someone else next year, with that in mind;

We will have a 2nd Annual Cruisin' For Cleavage Poker Run next September, recipient to be decided.

Can't wait to see you all there!